


Sex Lessons From "Sarah", Part Three

by cuddyclothes



Series: After Verse [4]
Category: Swiss Army Man (2016)
Genre: Gotta Be Creative When You Have Sex With A Dead Guy, Improvised Sex Toys, M/M, Necrophilia Not Really, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 17:36:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9559853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddyclothes/pseuds/cuddyclothes
Summary: In the aftermath of their quarrel, "Sarah" is gone. Manny refuses to have anything to do with Hank.  Until Hank comes up with an ingenious remedy.Hank rigged a rope pulley system on a tree branch that would rock Manny back and forth.  But once he had Manny in it, the tree branch broke.“Ow! Shit!” Hank yelped as Manny and the branch fell on top of him.  So, that didn’t work.  There wasn’t another branch sturdy enough.Manny kept saying, “Can we have sex?  Please?”





	

 

That night, Hank lay near Manny.  Every time he started to fall asleep, he jerked awake to check that Manny was still alive.

“Stop bothering me.”

Hank rolled over with his back to his friend.  He was torn with guilt, and frustration.  Why had he been such an asshole?  He’d tried apologizing, but for the first time, it didn’t help.  What was he going to do about Sarah?  He had to be honest, explain everything.  But how? Hank would know what to say when the time came. He still couldn’t sleep.

The next morning, Hank opened a can of tuna fish, feeding Manny a few bites. He was eating small amounts of food, but what it did in his digestion except produce more gas, Hank had no idea.

“You wanna go for a walk, buddy?”

“No. You go ahead, Hank. I want to be alone.”  When Hank reached out to touch him, Manny tipped himself over sideways so that he fell on the ground.  Hank tried to right him, but Manny protested and ordered Hank to leave him where he was.  Hank did, except for turning Manny’s head so he didn’t have a faceful of leaves.

Hank did a perimeter check of their camp, wracking his brain.  The time had come, and he had no idea of what to say.  That part of him really _was_ Sarah?  How weird was that? What did it even mean?  Hank was still a man. How could you be somebody else, of the opposite sex, and still be yourself?  Would Manny understand?  Hank himself didn’t understand.  This concept was too strange to explain. How would he explain?  And how would Manny react?  What questions would he ask?

Hank decided not to say anything. Not while Manny was so pissed. It wasn’t fair—Manny could end an argument by dying and leaving Hank standing there like an idiot.   He stood in a patch of ivy for a long time, then moved along, singing while he picked some purple and white wildflowers.

 _Where did you come from, where did you go_  
_Where did you come from Cotton Eye Joe_

Shit, he hated that song.  He thought about the Beatles, his favorite band of all time.

 _Love, love me do, you know I love you_  
_I’ll always be true, so please love me do_

 _Love, love me do, you know I love you_  
_I’ll always be true, so please love me do_

When he returned, he went to where Manny was lying.

“Manny, Sarah’s going to come back.”

“Yeah?” Manny said, his speech slightly muffled by the leaves his face was in.  Hank hauled him up to a sitting position.

“She’s coming back, I promise. In a couple of days. I promise. She’s coming back.” He sat down and held the wild flowers up. “I brought you some flowers.” He passed them back and forth under Manny’s nose.

“Thanks, Hank, they smell good.”

Hank sat down next to Manny, leaning one arm across his knee, unconsciously holding the flowers under Manny’s nose.  Hank relaxed, leaning gently against his dead buddy. Not too hard or he would knock Manny over.  “This is nice.”

“Why can’t Sarah come back now?  Is she mad at me?”

 _Dammit!_   “No.  She—she needs some time to herself.  But she’s coming back.” Hank picked some leave fragments out of Manny’s hair.

“I wonder if I had a girlfriend, or a wife.  Maybe I did. Hank, did you have a girlfriend?”

“Uh, yeah. In college. For a couple of semesters.”

“Did you love her?”

“I guess.”  He had, especially after she dumped him for an older English Lit major.  He sat across the campus mall from her dorm most nights, staring up at her window, imagining a passionate reconciliation, wild declarations of love between gulps of cheap wine.

“Did you have sex?”

“Manny, that’s not polite! You don’t just _ask_!”

“Then you didn’t have sex.”

“No! We had sex. It just...didn’t work out.”

“Then you never had sex again.”

“Manny! I’ve had sex since then.”  Hank didn’t admit it was twice, five years apart, both times after drunken parties.  Each time he thought it had meant something, but it didn’t. “I haven’t had _a lot_ of sex,” he admitted, “but I’ve had sex.  I’m not a virgin.”

 “We have sex, so I’m not a virgin.” Manny seemed satisfied with that answer, then frowned.  “But _you_ always do it, so I am a virgin.”

“What?”

“I want to have sex!” Manny exclaimed.  “Only the other way around. I want to put _my_ penis on _your_ leg.”

Hank was both startled and aroused.  “Ooookay...”

“Great!  I don’t have to be a virgin any more!”

Hank forbore from saying that it wasn’t losing your virginity.  That would lead to a ton _more_ questions that he didn’t feel up to answering.

Hank rigged a rope pulley system on a tree branch that would rock Manny back and forth.  But once he had Manny in it, the tree branch broke. 

“Ow! Shit!” Hank yelped as Manny and the branch fell on top of him.  So, that didn’t work.  There wasn’t another branch sturdy enough. 

Manny kept saying, “Can we have sex?  Please?”

Hank had an idea.  He took the tree branch, lashed Manny’s elbows to it, and looped the rope around his own right foot.  Then he gracelessly wiggled under his friend.  Manny’s hands drooped in the air on either side of Hank.

“What’re you gonna do?” Manny asked.

“Trust me.”  Hank leaned back, holding the branch like a pull-up bar, and pulled Manny forward, dragging him across Hank’s left leg.

“This feels strange,” Manny complained. “It doesn’t feel like sex.”

“Gimme a minute,” Hank puffed. “I gotta find a rhythm.”

He dragged Manny again, then pulled with his foot to pull Manny backwards along his leg. A few more times, and surprise came over Manny’s face.

“This feels really good!”

“Yeah,” Hank said. Manny banged against Hank’s crotch each time Hank pulled him upwards, then slid over it the other way.  Hank felt like a human rowing machine. This would make a great workout video.  Hump A Dead Guy.

“Ooh, wow,” Manny exclaimed.  “Wow!  Faster!”

“I can’t go any faster,” Hank grunted.

“Boobs, vaginas and butts,” Manny sing-songed. “Boobs, vaginas and butts.  Your boobs, vagina and butt.  Ooooh, wow, wow, I wanna do this all day, ooh wow!”  Damn, Manny’s penis was big.  Hank felt it slide bumpily up his leg, and slide back down. Hank was getting rock hard.  He rolled slightly to the side, so that Manny was dragging up his leg, onto Hank’s crotch, and back down.

“What’s that?”

“My—my wang.”

“Feels great!”

“Yeah, it does!” Hank laughed joyfully.  “This feels REALLY GREAT!”

Inspired, Hank pulled faster, even though his shoulders were starting to hurt.  The two men slid and bumped against each other, Hank lifting his hips to make sure he made contact with Manny’s penis whenever he slid towards him.

Manny’s eyes suddenly flew open and his mouth dropped open. “Hank—“  He jerked like a puppet, eyes closing. Hank pulled Manny so that their penises were touching under their clothes.  He heard Manny moaning, clearly astonished.  Hank lifted the branch up and around behind his head, so that he was pressed against Manny.  He kicked off the rope on his foot and wrapped his legs around his friend.  Hank pushed his crotch forcefully against Manny’s and did the moving for both of them, holding Manny’s sides.  Manny suddenly yelped and a rapturous expression came over his face.  Hank came violently, grinding against Manny, his chin on Manny’s shoulder.

They lay there, Manny drooped over Hank, who slowly slid his legs down. Hank was exhausted. Manny wasn’t even breathing hard. But then, he hadn’t had to do any of the work.

“I liked that,” Manny sighed.  “Can we do it again?”

“Later,” Hank wheezed.  His whole body hurt, even his crotch from where he had ground himself against Manny.  Still, it had been worth it.  “We can do it the other way around next time.  It’ll be easier, and I can go faster.”  His body hurt, but his heart was happy. He gave Manny a light peck on the lips.  “I’m the luckiest guy in the world. ‘Cause I met you.  My multi-purpose tool guy.”  He lay still for a moment, then pulled himself out from under Manny.  After getting rid of the branch and ropes, Hank rolled over on the ground next to his beloved.

“You’re my best buddy, you know that?”  Hank scooted his body closer and held Manny close. Hank hugged him.

“You’re my best buddy, Hank.”

“Yeah.”  They lay there in pleasant silence, listening to the sounds of the woods and the sea far away.  Hank put his mouth to Manny's ear and sang, barely a whisper.

_Love, love me do, you know I love you_

_I’ll always be true, so please love me do_

_Love, love me do, you know I love you_

_I’ll always be true, so please love me do_

 

A/N: For the heck of it, here is a video of the Beatles singing "Love Me Do"


End file.
